Today is a very tender day. Hazel is six weeks and one day old. The exact same age that Owen was when he went to heaven. I find myself reliving Owen's last moments and remembering what it was like to hold his lifeless body. The final days and hours of his life were traumatic. I wish I could erase the memories from my mind. I have been anticipating this day from the day Hazel was born. Part of me is still in disbelief that his body went through so much and at the young age of six weeks and one day, his life on earth ended.
I miss my boy. I miss him for Hazel. I hate that she doesn't have an older brother here to grow up with. I imagine all of the big brother, little sister pictures I would be taking and how fun it would be to watch them interact. I wanted that for her. As I sit here and type, I have my sweet little girl on my chest asleep. I feel the warmth of her body and hear the little whistle in her breath. She is showered in my tears, but she doesn't seem to mind. It feels good to let myself grieve.
In the last days of my pregnancy with Hazel, my emotions were all over the place. I felt so anxious about her birth. I felt anxiety about all of the triggers I would experience from being back in a delivery room again. I was worried that I wouldn't be able to fully enjoy Hazel's newborn days because they would remind me of what I never had with Owen. The opposite happened, and I am so thankful.
Hazel is the biggest comfort and brings me so much joy. Already this morning she has brought so many smiles to my face. She woke up this morning with an enormous poopy diaper that required a complete wardrobe change. While changing her, she gave us the biggest and sweetest smiles. I heard her laugh out loud for the first time today. She was half asleep while it happened, but it still gave me a glimpse of the real laughs that are to come. On her 43rd day, I am going to hold her a little longer, let her nap in my arms, take even more pictures of her than I do on a typical day, and read all of Owen's favorite books to her in his memory.
A dear friend recently gave me a necklace with these words written on it: "He makes all things new." This is true for both of my children. Hazel is a new little life on earth an Owen was given a new life in heaven. I love these verses in Isaiah about the new heaven and the new earth.
"And there will no longer be heard in her days the voice of weeping and the sound of crying. No longer will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days; or an old man who does not live out his days." (Isaiah 65: 19b-20a).